I think the worst feeling is the feeling of anticipation. Okay, there could be good anticipation… but in this post, I’m going to refer to the ‘bad’ anticipation, if there is such a thing as dividing it into those two categories. It’s those moments before you write an exam and hundreds of people are waiting for the doors to open to get those 2 hours over with and people are scrambling to ask one another questions and starting to doubt themselves. It’s those moments before you step on that stage and your fingers move to the sound of the song that you’re pretending to play over and over again in your head but then you realize that it’s all wrong and your fingers are not doing as you want them to. And for the past few days, it’s been the anticipation of getting that dreaded letter with my name written on it, and enclosed… is my Pass or Fail result for the national OT exam. It didn’t help when people from my graduating class had been posting it as their status on Facebook. Aside from trying to get comfortable in my new position at my job, I couldn’t stop thinking about the results. Right after I had written the exam, I didn’t feel very confident- it really could have gone either way. And as a matter of fact, I even had a dream last night that I saw the word ‘fail’ in the letter. I woke up instantly. Not a good start to the day, I tell ya.
It was oddly strange today after I had gotten off work- the bus had arrived shortly after, and it was very empty. The train I had got on was very empty. But anyways, as I walked to my mailbox, I had verbally instructed myself “Inhale—-Exhale—-Inhale—Exhale… everything will be okay…. Keep breathing” When I opened my mailbox, I was almost fooled because I had not seen the letter addressed to me, but instead, a key to the parcel compartment of the mailbox. Okay… this might be a good thing, it’s a big envelope. I opened it, and quickly scanned for the 4 letter word. And finally, I had found it– and in all seriousness, I almost cried. Thank you, God… for letting everything fall into place. I can’t remember the last time I felt so relieved from such dreaded anticipation. I can officially check that off my worries… but of course in life, when does it ever stop. But hey, T-14 days until Christmas! I’ll consider this my early Christmas present because really, I couldn’t ask for anything more.