What a beautiful way to end the weekend with some gorgeous sunshine and thousands of people united, to run for one cause. Cancer. The weather definitely did not disappoint and neither did the beautiful scenery whilst we were doing our 5 km jog. I love just jogging with my head phones in, with the river flowing beside me, while sweat just beats down my forehead. I am reminded of all the people who have battled and lost their life to cancer. To all the people who have won their battles. It was inspiring to see everyone who participated in the run. Some people had tags to indicate “This run is in memory of _______” and pinned on their shirts while there were others who were running while pushing their loved one in a wheelchair because they were not capable of doing the same. The only regret I had this year was that I did not pin up a tag, although I did have people in mind. But regardless, that does not change anything. And I’m even more determined now (for next year) to run the 10 km like I normally do.
I wrote a post a while ago, but I was afraid to post it. Afraid because I did not know the outcome. Afraid of what was to come… but today, it’s so fitting.
June 18, 2012:
The weather today somewhat depicts what I’m currently feeling. Dark. Gloomy. Convoluted. Yesterday it was bright and sunny, and today, it’s ominous. I don’t know how to react, or even how I should be reacting.
There are things in life that put you into perspective, regardless of whether it hits close to home or not. No matter how intelligent human beings can get at innovation, there are two undeniable things that human beings cannot defy. Death and illness. Yes, technology and drugs are becoming more advanced, but there is no 100% guarantee. Of anything. There wasn’t in the past, there isn’t in the present, and there won’t ever be in the future.
I was cleaning out my room, when I got the call. I knew something was wrong already because she was supposed to be working. In the back of my mind, I knew that the chances were 50 50, but I had hope that it would be the good 50. Not the bad. From the instant I hung up, I just sat there. Not sure what was going through my mind. Actually, I don’t think -anything- came to mind. Just total abyss…
Stephanie. You need to be strong. That’s all I told myself, over and over again to ensure that once she came through that door, I would not be drowning in my own tears. To convince myself that everything is okay. That it will be okay. At first, things were awkward. It was like the elephant in the room… unsure of how to approach it. She just sat at the top of the stairs later, and called my name as I was pretending to clean up the pile of mess I always have around the bottom of the stairs. The mess she’s been complaining about for the past month since I’ve moved back, but decided to ignore just because I was too lazy to clean it. The only thing I knew how to do was cry. The ‘I need to be strong’ just flew out the window. Don’t cry. That’s what she told me. But that was the only thing I knew how to do at the moment. Of all the things she said, those were the two words she had told me. And I felt that she was comforting me more than the reverse. But at that moment, that was all I could do. Perhaps those were the words she was saying to try to comfort herself as well. We both sat there, doing the one thing that we told ourselves not to do. Cry.
Life is unfair. Life isn’t always happy. All I could think about is this: If only I had prayed a little more… would that have changed this stepping stone in life? Or: What if I pray more starting now? Would that change the outcome of this?… All I know is that this is what it is. Within these short hours, I think my perspective on life has already begun to change. I’m not going to give up on hope and in faith. I’m going to stay strong. I’m not going to let her worry about us. That’s the least I can do for her right now.
July 07, 2012:
Life does go on. The world continues to spin around the sun, people go back to work, we have to all come home and eat dinner. It is what it is. But funny thing is, routine still occurs with slight interruptions. Laughter comes back. And it’s at that moment when I realized that things will be okay. That despite whatever may have come upon this household, laughter has finally made it’s entrance again. And it’s nice. It’s nice to go back to normal. Whatever that may even mean. Inherently, we know that we should not allow this word to control our lives. And I assure it, it will definitely not.
I guess the point I really wanted to say was this: That despite whatever you have been through, you never know when your story and when your actions (regardless of how small) might just be an inspiration to others. So keep doing what you do best… which is being yourself and nothing else.